Brett Davis

HIPSTERS, a new show about being young, hip, and free, and...

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:38:00 -0400

HIPSTERS, a new show about being young, hip, and free, and hip.

These four friends living in [TBD Trendy City] are going through the trials and tribulations of urban life, and looking good while doing so. Bjorn’s a graphic designer, Ethel is a fashion designer, Bjorn #2 is a freelance artist, and Kip makes music. Did I mention they’re all really hip?

They live in a loft nicknamed “HOME?” and it’s full of strange and wonderful trinkets. They also have a wacky landlord named Ed. He’s a “normal” and doesn’t get their weird hip ways. Hopefully you will though.

Plus there’s cool music from up-and-coming independent artists including Snow Patrol, KT Tunstall, and The Fray! You guys like the Fray, right?

Hold your horses, they say “fuck.”

HIPSTERS, coming soon to YouTube or Hulu or whatever shows TV on the internet.

DA FIVE BEST WOODY ALLEN FILMS BY ANTONY BATTAGLINO AKA TONY...

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:38:00 -0400

DA FIVE BEST WOODY ALLEN FILMS

BY ANTONY BATTAGLINO AKA TONY BATTS

5. INTERIORS

MY FIRST FUKIN WOODY ALLEN FILM! WEIRD TING IS, DAT I AINT EVEN SEEN WOODY’S COMEDY FILMS BEFORE I SAW DIS ONE. LIKE, I WAS A BIG FAN OF INGMAR BERGMAN’S WORK BEFORE DAT, MOST ESPECIALLY DA 7TH SEAL. FUCKIN CLASSIC SHIT, YO. BENGT EKEROT PORTRAYING DEATH IS THE SHIT.

SO ANYWAYS, I LIKED BERGMAN, AND I HEARD DIS WAS INSPIRED BY IT, SO I’M LIKE, “IMA FUCKIN BUY IT”. AND I DID. AND IT FUKIN BLEW MY FUKIN MIND. THESE TREE SISTERS (KRISTEN GRIFFIT, MARY BET HURT AND DA ALWAYS WONDAFUL DIANE KEATIN) ARE DEALIN WIT DEIR SUICIDAL MUDDA (GERALDINE PAGE) AND DA MEN AND FAMILY AND SHIT. AFTER VIEWING IT, I WAS LIKE, ITS VISUALLY BERGMAN-ESQUE, BUT DA MATERIAL BRINGS TO MIND JOEY MANKIEWICZ.

4. ANNIE HALL

“LA-DE-DAH” FUKIN CLASSIC SHIT. WEN I SAW DIS I WAS LIKE IT ABSO-FUKIN-LUTELY DESERVED DAT OSCA. IT’S ALLEN’S BEST MIX OF HUMOR AND PATHOS, AND IT’S DA BEST EXAMPLE OF HIS, IN MY HUMBULL OPINION, BEST ONSCREEN PARTNA, DIANE KEATIN, WHO I WANNA FUK TIL HER PUSSY’S BLUE.

3. MATCH POINT

ALLEN’S COMEBACK SHIT. IT’S LIKE, AFTA EVERYBODY SHITS ON HIS POST-MILLENIAL RELEASES, HE SHITS OUT DIS BAR OF GOLD AND SHOVES IT UP YA MUDDA’S ASS FOR DA DISRESPECT.

IT TAKES PLACE IN LONDON, AND SCARLET JOHANNSEN FUKS JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS (JONNY RICE) IN A FIELD. SHIT GOES DOWN FROM THERE. SHE FINDS OUT DAT HE’S GOT A CHIK (EMILY MORTIMER) ALREADY AND SHE’S ALL “YOU TELL HER OR I WILL”. I’VE BEEN IN DAT SITUATION. SO JONNY RICE DECIDES TO KILL HER, AND KILLS DIS OLD LADY, AND THINGS GET A DOSTOYEVSKY UP IN DAT SHIT. GOOD SHIT.

2. BANANAS

FUNNY SHIT, YO.

1. DA PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO

ALLEN DESCRIBES DIS FILM AS HIS FAVORITE. IT’S MINE, TOO. BASICALLY THIS BROAD (MIA FARROW) LOVES GOIN TO THE MOVIES AND SHE SEES DIS ONE ABOUT DIS GUY, Y’KNOW. SO SHE’S ALL HORNY FOR HIM AND HE STEPS OFF DA SCREEN. IT’S LIKE A ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE SET IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION, AND IT’S A MEDITATION ON THE VIEWER’S ABILITY TO COMPLETELY IMMERSE DEMSELVES INTO DA WORLD OF CINEMER.

PLUS IT’S IN DA DIRTY JERZ, REPRESENT. DEY EAT AT DA RARITAN DINER IN SOUTH AMBOY, BEST MUDDAFUKIN DISCO FRIES IN NJ.

Butter You can put it on muffins you can put it on toast,When...

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:11:00 -0400

Butter

You can put it on muffins you can put it on toast,
When comparing all the spreads, I like butter the most,

It’s good on eggs and it’s good on steaks,
Add a bit of butter and a better meal it makes,

When you’re making omelets, put some butter on the pan,
Put some butter on your skin when you want a better tan,

Leave it in the fridge or the butter will get bitter,
You will get bellyaches or you will wind up in the shitter,

Jeez louise! Are you using cream cheese?
Put some butter on that bagel and it’s sure to please,

At Thanksgiving, my family commited a sin,
They used margarine, to my chagrin,

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is a waste of time,
Stick with the real thing, and you’ll be fine,

I didn’t put that salty garbage near my face,
I keep butter in my pocket, just in case,

If you have a lot of butter, here’s a couple of tricks,
Butter on the slip n’ slide won’t make you stick,

When you’re eatin’ chips, use butter as a dip,
Put some butter on your lips, use it as ChapStick,

Even eating butter raw is a whoe lot of fun,
Take it with you when you’re jogging, it’s great on the run,

Back in the old days, butter had to be churned,
It might have been a bit of work, but the butter was earned,

Bip bop bupper, skittley-a bop-a dutter,
It sure is fun to scat about butter,

In sticky situations butter works sort of like mace,
I threw extremely hot butter on my ex-wife’s face,

You see our relationship got to this real weird place,
I wanted to propose, and she wanted more space,

Then she went back to to school and things got weird,
She was e-mailing back and forth with this guy with a beard,

I found out they had met a few times for coffee,
He said, “dump the butter bastard, and get with me,”

So I got extremely jealous, I told her about the emails,
Our fight got out of hand, I was taken to jail,

I’m sorry, I know, I went on a bit of a tangent,
It’s been rough lately, I hope that you understand it,

I hope you liked this poem, hope it wasn’t a bore,
It’s just—butter is the only thing that gives me joy anymore.

- Guy “Butterguy” Freemore

Chong’s Potential Titles For New Cheech & Chong...

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:02:00 -0400

Chong’s Potential Titles For New Cheech & Chong Tour

by Tommy Chong (transcribed by Tommy Chong’s intern, Matt)

Hey man, this is gonna be good. Y’see, me and Cheech—the band’s back together! We don’t play music though (incoherent mumbling)

So I’m just gonna run through some ideas for the new show, and tour and uh, and stuff and you tell us what’cha think, okay? Okay. Here goes.

1.) Up In Smoke All Over Again

Pros: This One makes people think of the first Up In Smoke and how great it was n’ stuff. Plus, it’s a play on words about weed. (long pause) Pun?

Cons: I’m not gonna lie or whatever, okay. We’re old. Not too old to party but too old to be talkin’ bout “up in smoke” when we could (incoherent) ashes (incoherent) dies first I’m lightin’ up his ashes n’ smokin’ it, man!

2) Light Up The Road

Pros: Y’know how you light up a doobie? Well, it’s like that but instead on the road. Plus “light up the road” sounds cool, too, man. You ever see (long pause) what’s the one with the, uh, Biff? Yeah, Back to the Future!

Cons: What if like, the Back to the Future people have a problem with it, huh? Or, like, what if they com n’ they want to see us go back in time n’ stuff? W haven’t written…wrote? Uh, we didn’t write any time travel jokes, man!

3) Light Up America

Pros: Okay, it still sounds cool, plus it’s got America in it, man! People love that stuff. Patriots?

Cons: What if like, President Clinton thinks that we’re like, threatening to light America on fire? Like, we’re drivin on our bus, right? And uh, we stop to take a whizz in the woods, right? And then we like, set the woods on fire? People would hate us, man!

4.) Grumpy Old Stoners

Pros: I dunno, I guess there was this movie called “Grumpy Old Bastards” or something, and it was like a (laughing) a box office smash, man! So, like it might have, uh, a (long pause) ripple effect?

Cons: Like, I don’t know, man? It’s got “stoners” in there, but I’m a pretty jovial guy, y’know? Whatever pays the pot, man! Write that down, Matt, “whatever pays the pot,” it’s a good slogan. Oh man!? You’re writing all this already!? That’s great!

So, send this to uh, Cheech? And ask him what’s up n’ stuff? Get his opinions on the matter. Tell him to grow back his moustache (laughing) no, seriously.

The Style, Bitch by Fashtion Kutcher It seems that summer is...

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 03:30:00 -0400

The Style, Bitch

by Fashtion Kutcher

It seems that summer is ending, but not fast enough! If i see another pair of shorts or sandals or sunglasses (ugh) I’m gonna shoot my brains all over this hot mess. Let’s just jump into this, before I throw a fit or something.

Kate Hudson

I’m surprised that there’s not a noose around her neck. Because this outfit would make me want to commit suicide.

Look at that cardigan. Was there a sale at I-Am-A-Piece-Of-Crap-With-No-Sense-Of-Style Mart?

No, that’s where she got the jeans.

And maybe those sunglasses are because she’s gone blind. Then she might have an excuse for wearing that trainwreck of an outfit in public.

What tacky hospital did she steal that bag from?

And those boots? At least she cleaned them after wading through a septic tank to find this shitty outfit.

Miley Cyrus

Okay. I’ll totally ignore that she’s riding a bike because she’s like three years old or whatever, but look at that what’s on her head! It’s like Kohl’s got Sears preggerz, and then Sears tried to have an abortion, and then Miley put that aborted fetus on her head, thinking it was a hat.

And I hope that’s a garbage pail in the front of her bike, because that’s the only place that ugly purse belongs.

And that shirt? More like shit to me. LOL.

Oh, and 1997 called. They said that they know you took their jeans, but that you can keep them, because they were ugly anyway.

And those sandals? I hope they get stuck in that bike whell thingy and get ripped to shreds so the world never has to see them again.

Hillary Duff

What’s black and white and red all over?

Hillary Duff’s ugly outfit after making my eyes bleed from its utter tackiness. And utter’s an appropriate word because she looks like a cow. And not just because of her ugly face. This makes me wanna vom.

Seriously, that whole outfit is uglier than your stupid face.

I hope that monstrousity on your wrist is a handcuff, because you should be beaten to death by the Los Angeles Fashion Police.

And what can I say about that belt? Nothing, because it’s causing me to gag so much that I can’t speak.

And that purse? Well, if you dropped it on the ground you would legally have to pick it up in a plastic bag and throw it out or you would be fined.

Dernier Cri? That outfit is making me cri.

I feel bad for the homeless woman who’s walking around barefoot now, because you stole her ugly sandals.

Before I could finish writing this blog, I had to call a suicide hotline, because I felt like life wouldn’t be worth living with this sort of style genocide going on all over. These girls should be ashamed of themselves.

They are terrible people.

(This man is writing a letter.) Dear Jennifer, How is New York?...

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 02:14:50 -0400

(This man is writing a letter.)

Dear Jennifer,

How is New York? You must be having fun. You’ve always wanted to go there. I suppose working for an internet site is fun. I don’t understand that stuff.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You wanna come and spend a week on the boat?

Whales.

(Crumbles up paper. Begins new letter.)

Dear Jenny,

Things are great! How about you! World wide web, huh? Sounds fun. Not as fun as a week with your old man on the

(Crumbles up paper. Sighs. Begins new letter.)

Jenny,

I miss ya. I miss everybody. My life is so lonely. I’ve begin imitating the whale calls I hear just so I can pretend to have a conver

(Crumbles up paper. Takes a shot of whiskey. Sighs.)

Dear Jennifer,

(Takes a shot of whiskey again.)

Do you want to come boating with me?

(Takes another shot.)

I have been kidnapped by pirates. That is all I can say. I am

(Shakes head. Crumbles up paper. Starts new letter.)

Deaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh,

Eaaaaahhhhhhh

(Crumbles up paper. Utters “damn whales” to self. Starts new letter.)

Jenny,

I am coming to visit you in New York!

Love,

Dad

Photo

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:11:00 -0400

The following is a series of text messages sent between Jason...

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 15:47:00 -0400

The following is a series of text messages sent between Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, writers of films such as Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and Diasaster Movie:

Monday August 11:

“Is Barack Obama black?”

“I think so. If we shave Method Man’s beard, I think that he can pull it off.”

“Fuck dude, Linday Lohan’s girlfriend is ugly. That’s pretty funny, right?”

Tuesday, August 12:

“Oh sorry. I just DR’d a chick. Yeah that is funny.”

“DR’d?”

“Did her right. ;)”

“Aww you dog.”

“Michael Phelps looks like a white Barack Obama.”

“Call Method Man if black people are good swimmers.”

“You call him.”

“I can’t. He thinks I’m racist.”

Wednesday, August 13

“Would you tap Amy Winehouse?”

“Already have.”

“Oh you dawg!”

“You wanna meet up for drinks?”

“I’ll see you at TGI Fridays in 30 mins.”

Thursday, August 14

“I saw Pineapple Express last night.”

“How was it?”

“I dunno. I didn’t get what was going on. Looking forward to Tropic Thunder, though. I heard it has retards.”

“Would you tap Hannah Montana?”

“Already have.”

“Lucky. I would SO Superman that ho.”

Friday, August 16

“I just took a dump.”

“LOL”

My name is Charlotte Anne and recently I have been renting out...

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 13:55:28 -0400

My name is Charlotte Anne and recently I have been renting out performance spaces to showcase my dance.

I have been dancing all of my life, unprofessionally. I turn mundane and dull moments into moments of great beauty using my aesthetically pleasing “real-time movement sculptures” or in layman’s terms: interpretive dance.

For example, I have a piece entitled “Nettoyer Organiques” that I perform in the shower. In that piece, I use the objects around me to tell a story. I plan to debut ”Nettoyer Organiques” to the public in October.

I have another one that I perform in supermarkets. It is called “La Pomme La Plus Mûre” and it tells the story of a young Jewish mother stealing food for her children in 1940’s Germany. However, she is noticed by the gestapo and must make a run for it. This particular piece is one of my most controversial.

My pride and joy, however, has to be “Claudius, Le Garçon De Livraison De Pizza,” a dance in which I portray Hamlet, inviting Claudius into to my home, only to murder him with a poison-tipped sword. The twist at the end is that Hamlet survives. I have yet to perform that dance…but I could go for some pizza.

We have a fuel crisis in this country. Some argue alternate fuel...

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:23:08 -0400

We have a fuel crisis in this country. Some argue alternate fuel sources, other argue more drilling. Well, if I am elected President, I promise that I will do everything in my power to resolve this conflict.

IF AMERICA RUNS ON DUNKIN, THAN I SHALL SUPPLY THE DUNKIN’.

However, I have not ruled out all of the options of America running on Diesel.

You’re too late, Santa!

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:38:18 -0400

You’re too late, Santa!

Uhhhhhh, yeah. She comin’ home. Uhhhhh yeah. I can smell...

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:01:00 -0400

Uhhhhhh, yeah. She comin’ home. Uhhhhh yeah. I can smell it. She wearin’ that sexy ass J.Lo perfume I got her back in 2002. She know it’s my favorite. Uhhhh yeah.

Uhhhhh yeah. She gonna feel all sort of sensations. My body is smooth, my champagne is chilled, and my hair is…luxurious. Uhhhh, yeah.

Uhhhh yeah. You know what I did today? I called up Rent-A-Center, and I said, “My house don’t have no furniture.” I got myself a leather couch. And a vase. And when the delivery man asked me if I was having a party, I grabbed him by the back of the neck, and I said, “Nah…I’m havin’ sex.”

Uhhhhh yeah. I called up Ramon, and I said, “Ramon. I need a favor.” I asked him to take my dog for the night. I can’t let him hear what’s gonna be goin’ on. He’s innocent. I called up the neighbours, and I said “Just warnin’ you that tonight, I’m havin’ sex.” Uhhhh yeah.

I went to the salon, and I picked up the Summer 1996 issue of Sophisticate’s Black Hair Styles at the bottom of the magazine pile. I pointed to a picture of a woman with a long beautiful weave, and told the hairdresser, “Give me that.” Uhhhh yeah. Just thinkin’ about tonight gave me all sorts of sensations.

Uhhhhh yeah. I went to the mall, into my favorite store: Pampered Passions. I went up to the clerk at the desk and I said, “I want something that says that I’m masculine, yet erotic.” I got myself the sexiest—uhhhh, yeah-sexiest piece of men’s lingerie I could find.

I went to the flower shop. I walked up to the little old lady working and I said, “Tonight, I’m havin’ sex.” She suggested roses. I gave her my credit card. But I left the roses on the roof of my car, and I lost them. No worries. I’m still havin’ sex tonight.

Uhhhhhh yeah. That’s the doorbell. I gotta go. Rhonda’s here. I hope she brought the butter. I told her I needed it for english muffins. I lied.

Hey Now, Let’s Not Forget About Mark Spitz by Mark...

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:58:00 -0400

Hey Now, Let’s Not Forget About Mark Spitz

by Mark Spitz

Hey guys. It’s me. I’m sure you’re all in Olympec fever with the Bayjing game goin’ on and all, and you’re all gonna have new Olympec heroes and stuff now, but seriously. Let’s not get crazy here. Let’s not forget about Mark Spitz.

I’ll set the scene: 1972. Munik, Germaney. A pool. Me swimming like crazy. 100-Meter Freestyle, BOOM! Gold medal. 100-Meter Butterfly, BOOM! Gold medal. 200-Meter Freestyle, BOOM! Gold medal. And…wait for it…200-Meter Butterfly…BOOM! Gold medal! Seven events, seven world records! And I looked good doin’ all of it. So seriously guys. C’mon.

OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT I WAS ALMOST KILLED BY TARRORISTS. If that doesn’t make me the greatest person ever then I don’t know who is. Inestein? Nah, It’s probebley me, Mark Spitz. Then the indorsements, the TV appeerances, I was rollin in it! And by it, I mean dough. And not the Homer Simpson kind. The Banjamin Frenklin kind, suckas. And If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that money is good, because you can buy stuff with it, and neat stuff makes you great. I got plenty of neat stuff, I’m Mark Spitz.

And sure, I may not swim much anymore, and sure I’m not as young and cool as I was, and I may not get recognized as much anymour, but I’m Mark Spitz and that should be enoufe.

So, when you go to cheer the next big swimmer, whoever it is, don’t be stupid and forget about me. I’m the best. Not those kids. Don’t cheer them, cheer me, Mark Spitz.

P-S: This is a picsure of my dog, Ed:

Imagine this boy laughing as he holds a group of people hostage...

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:22:30 -0400

Imagine this boy laughing as he holds a group of people hostage at gunpoint.

Imagine this boy doing an elaborate fire dance for tourists.

Imagine this boy throwing a fit because his parents bought him the “wrong kind of Lunchables!”

Imagine this boy delivering a speech to his class, and being really, really freaked out.

Imagine this boy totally missing a jumping high five.

Imagine this kid doing a quantum leap, ending up in the body of a black civil rights activist in the 1960’s.

Imagine this kid eating a really big sandwich.

Imagine this boy acting out the stations of the cross in the middle of a crowded shopping mall.

Imagine this boy surrounded by ninjas in a dark alley, raising his eyebrow, and giving a little “bring it” gesture with his hands.

They say you can’t teach an old magician new tricks. You...

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 02:37:00 -0400

They say you can’t teach an old magician new tricks. You know what I say to them? ALAKAZAAM!