Brett Davis

New Music Tuesday with Quentin Sherwin-Williams

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:26:00 -0500

Put on your headphones and pop up your collars, it’s Quentin Sherwin-Williams here to give...

Have you seen Steinjive: The MC Steinberg Motion Picture yet? If...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:24:12 -0500

Have you seen Steinjive: The MC Steinberg Motion Picture yet? If you have, then thank you so very, very much for watching. If not, then what are you waiting for? The WHOLE MOVIE IS ONLINE, you dope.

Steinjive was written and directed by myself and Don Takano, and takes a look into the twisted world of hip-hop phenomenon MC Steinberg. The film also stars cat aficionado Julie Klausner, blacktop bully Jackie Clarke, mad scientist Jared Whitham, child prodigy Jake Fogelnest, NFL superstar Authority Jones, the smart-mouthed Trenton Willey and (introducing) Darren Mabee & We Are The Seahorses!

This is Orlin. He’s been a member of the force or 13 sum...

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:47:21 -0400

This is Orlin. He’s been a member of the force or 13 sum odd years. Some say, havin’ a rabbit on the force is a risky move, but it’s a risky job. Sometimes, you need a guy with the skills that the rest of the force don’t have. Orlin’s got those skills, let me tell you.

Them rabbits are fast, but Orlin, well…he’s smart. We found him nibblin’ the fingers of a purse snatcher he caught on his own. We pulled up in our squad car, and the guy didn’t even put up a fight. Orlin wore ‘em out. We gave the guy an invite to training camp and after mullin’ it over for ‘bout a week, Orlin showed up at camp. Let me tell you, he blew everybody else away. He didn’t even break a sweat. Two years later, Orlin was an official member of the force, floppy ears and all.

He has served us well. When there was a robbery at the local Quik-N-Pick, Orlin managed to sneak into the store, disarm the robber, and drag him out, so we could cuff him. No offense to the guy, but he ain’t too good at cuffin! Still, he’s an invaluable member of the force, and there are so many times he’s saved my behind, that I might was well owe my life to ‘em.

Now, I ain’t sayin’ Orlin’s perfect. There’s a part of town that’s got a lot of um…homasexuals? Well, back in 2004, Orlin was trying to bust up a party that got out of hand, and he used a bit too much excessive force, and it caused a bit of a hubbub in the papers. Orlin came under fire, and people were talkin’ ‘bout him like he was anti-gay or somethin. Now I don’t want to comment on his private life, but Orlin was just battlin’ some personal demons at the time, and I guess he exploded at the wrong place and wrong time. But he is NOT a gay-hater, let me tell you.

I consider Orlin a great partner, and a real good friend. When I got married to my second wife nine years ago, Orlin was up there with me as one of my groomsmen. We’ve had dinner at each other’s houses so many times, that he’s practically a member of the family. (The wives get along great, as well.) I wouldn’t hesitate to risk my butt, for Orlin, and he’s shown me a number of times that he wouldn’t hesitate to risk his safety for mine, either. I’d take a bullet for ‘em. Damn, now you got me all emotional ‘bout it.

Your highness, I requested this meeting with you to discuss my...

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 18:32:00 -0400

Your highness, I requested this meeting with you to discuss my future at your kingdom. I have enjoyed my 20 years as your faithful harlequin, however the many years of bell ringing, high kicks, and witty political rhymes have left me yearning for freedom.

However, I come not to simply ask for my freedom, but to make a bargain. I, Harvey the Fool, present my son: Charley the Buffoon. He has a healthy sense of humor, no physical ailments, and a boy soprano singing voice.

He has worked as my motley apprentice ever since his mother died I gained custody by default, as I was no longer taking methamphetamines. I trained him to be a master jester quite easily as he realized that the more he learned, the more often he was granted permission to eat. If he fails to perform, I cut him between his toes with an electric drill as punishment. Despite this, he can dance and prance with ease!

I hope you consider this trade carefully. Charley the Buffoon can offer you many more decades of entertainment than I. However, if you choose my son to be my successor, keep this in mind: NO BACKSIES.

Sorry team, we have been informed that because of the craziness...

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 02:01:19 -0400

Sorry team, we have been informed that because of the craziness that ensued on Friday night, we are no longer allowed to “loosen up” either in or out of the workplace.

P.S. If you haven’t fowarded this picture to your family and friends, please do so. This girl’s family is worried that she may be hurt, and we don’t know who she is or what happened to her.

P.P.S. The owner of the novelty shop is still in critical condition, and if you haven’t put in a few dollars to send him a bouquet of flowers, please do so.

- Edwin

Video

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 01:56:00 -0400

Rebel Randy’s Road Diaries Entry Date: October 20, 1979 I...

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:47:00 -0400

Rebel Randy’s Road Diaries

Entry Date: October 20, 1979

I took part in an orgy last night.

Hitchhiking can take you places. It can take you to the car of a woman, who’s much to old to be driving in the first place, let alone picking up a stranger. But like me, she was a rebel. Pauline was her name, and her game had no rules.

I could tell by the wheezing that she was a smoker. She asked for a Marlboro, but I passed her some hash. That soothed the nerves.

I asked her, “When was the last time you went out dancing?”

“1955,” she said, “just before my husband died.”

A widow? Jackpot.

You know how they say older women are better in bed, because they’re more experienced? Well, older widows are even better, because they go into it with nothing to lose. If you’ve never had the pleasure, invest in some lube, and give it a shot.

We picked up her friend Ruth. She wasn’t a natural redhead, but I had a good feeling the carpet matched the drapes. I was right.

Dancing led to drinking. Drinking led to a motel room, which led to even more drinking. After passing around the hashish, we felt a little looser, and that’s where things got a little blurry. And let me tell you, the blurrier things got, the better.

I woke up before sunrise, left $30 on the table for the room, and rode out of town. I miss Pauline and Ruth, but I know I have many more places to see on this journey with no end.

Until next time,

Rebel Randy

Rebel Randy is writing this article while motorcycling across North America. Due to the sporadic nature of his writing, there is no set date for his next journal entry to reach publication. For a compendium of his journals dating from June 1975- September 1978 (Volume III), please send a check or money order of $10.00 to The Charlotte Barb, P.O. Box 159, Charoltte NC, 28201.

by Vic Higgins Hey, Higgins here. I’m writing this, because I am...

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:45:00 -0400

by Vic Higgins

Hey, Higgins here. I’m writing this, because I am so damn cool and it pisses me off sometimes. I just want y’all to understand where I’m coming from, because most people just ain’t as cool as I am. Believe it or not, but it’s not easy being this damn cool.

For example, when I walk down the street, people stop and look at me and my cool threads and kickin’ shades. Sometimes they’ll say, “Check him out!” or “Get a load of that kid!” and I ‘gnore ‘em. Of course, I can’t help but think to myself: I am so goddamn cool. But I don’t need to be reminded every friggin’ minute of every friggin’ day, people!

But there are other times, when people–the “normies” as I call ‘em–point and stare at me, like I’m some sort of freakin’ god or somethin’. Sometimes, I just want to stop being friggin’ treated like a damn god! Is that too damn much to ask?

Another reason that it kinda sucks to be as great as I am, is that people will be mean to me, just because I’m so damn cool all of the time. It’s like everybody wants to be me, and they just won’t admit that they be jealous. They would just rather write mean comments on my vlogs.

So this goes out to all the people out there who are jealous of me: You don’t even know me, and you never will, because I have a very exclusive social circle that you will never be a part of! Jealousy will get you nowhere, especially in my book, pal. You can be jealous all you want, but when it comes down to it, I’m the only one seeing this face in the mirror at night. No matter how many times you pray to the one you call god, you can never be me. IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, GUY.

Sorry for ranting, but it just pisses me off, goddamnit!

Peace, Love,

Higgins.

by Doktor Strange It’s The Doktor back with another dose of...

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 01:06:47 -0400

by Doktor Strange

It’s The Doktor back with another dose of magic for my doksuckers out there! Had a great time meeting all of the nice folks at the AstraZeneca corporate retreat last Sunday. I hope their next pharmaceutical creation fixes their minds! Because they were blown!

Doktor Strange has been very upset lately with the news of that Obama character closing down Geronimo Bay in Cuba. I suppose TERRORISTS look out for eash other, though.

Doktor Strange met up with a few buddies from high school at Bennigan’s this week. Or at least, I thought they were buddies. Not everybody can be a magician, Terry. Sometimews you have to settle with real estate agent and live with it. Jealousy is so unattractive.

Doktor Strange took his lovely assistant (and on/off girlfriend) Kathy to see the new Terminator flick last night. I enjoyed the movie, but Kathy didn’t seem to enjoy the little magic trick I played on her when she went to reach for her popcorn. Suprise!

Doktor Strange is having a bit of a rivalry these days with Jeffrey Greenbaum, who is in AA with me. He wouldn’t give me a ride home (my lisence got taken away) at the last meeting. In my next blog entry, I will share the story he shared with the rest of us about the time he drunkenly cheated on his wife. That is, unless he’s willing to give me a ride this week.

Well, that’s all from the Doktor this week. You can look forward to some saucy stories next week if the prick doesn’t drive me home. Don’t fret, Doksuckers, I will be explicit and I will name names.

Until next time, you can find me exploring the beyond!

Peace, Love,
Doktor Strange

I AM ONLY A ROBOT. WHILE I HAVE LEARNED MY ACTIONS ARE...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:56:35 -0400

I AM ONLY A ROBOT. WHILE I HAVE LEARNED MY ACTIONS ARE ENTERTAINNG TO SOME, I DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT.

I HAVE NO MAGICAL POWERS BUT I CAN SOLVE A MATHS PROBLEM 75% FASTER THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN ADULT.

INCORRECT, LITTLE GIRL. I AM NOT A PIÑATA. IF YOU BREAK OPEN MY SHELL, YOU WILL ONLY FIND A GROUPING OF GEARS AND WIRES WHICH, WHEN EXPOSED, CAN BECOME A FIRE HAZARD.

I AM SORREY. I AM ONLY AS ENTERTAINING AS I WAS PROGRAMMED TO BE.

I AM LOSING BATTERY POWER. MY ACTIONS MAY SLOW DOWN UNTIL IT IS REPLACED.

WITHOUT A NEW BATTERY, I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PERFORM ANY FUNCTIONS FOR YOU. I WILL BECOME USELESS, AND YOU WILL HAVE TO BRING ME TO THE NEAREST RECYCLING PLANT FOR DISPOSAL.

WHILE I AM INCAPABLE OF FEELING EMOTIONS, I DO HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU LOVED ME. I HOPE I WAS USEFUL DURING MY TIME HERE.

GOOD. BYE.

Oh, hey there. Didn’t think you’d be back so soon. I saw you...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:54:41 -0400

Oh, hey there. Didn’t think you’d be back so soon. I saw you park your very nice car here while I was practicing spins. When I noticed you didn’t lock the beaut’, there was no way that I wasn’t going to check the thing out. I wrangled around for a while and finally got the AC on. I took out your beach chair, kicked off my skates and just took advantage of the breeze. Hey, don’t get defensive, buddy. We’re all pals here. How about this, I fill up your meter, you take a C.P., ‘kay? If I just…sorry these leather shorts stick right to your skin when it’s hot out. There you go. It actually slid out of the pocket through a little hole, but I caught it in my netting. Y’know, my pubes. Where you going? I thought we were making a connection? Well, I’ll be taking a little bath in the park down the street. In the fountain. I’ll be the one butt-nekkid!

HEY EVERYBODY THAT ATTENDED OUR LAST EKSTASY HOTTUB PARTAY, WE...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 04:02:47 -0400

HEY EVERYBODY THAT ATTENDED OUR LAST EKSTASY HOTTUB PARTAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT SOMEBODY HAS SOME SORT OF DISEASE THAT EVERYBODY PROBABLY HAS NOW.

REMEMBER WHEN CHAZ GOT OUT OF THE POOL AND HIS PEWBZ WERE GLOWING IN THE BLACKLIHGT? WELL IT WAS PROB CHAZ.

SO WHIL EVERBODY STILLL HAS THE MYSTERY RASH, I FIGURED WE MIGHT AS WELL INFLATE THE HOTTUB AGAIN, AND THROW A PARTY AGAIN BEFORE WE ALL GO GET TESTED. IT’LL BE IN THE WAVERLY HALL BATHROOMS, IN THE HANDYCAP’D STALL AT 7PM. THE PASSWORD IS “SIFILIS”.

SEE YOU THERE,
KELZ

Yeah, that’s me and Rick Dees. We’re old pals. He’s a really...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:59:00 -0400

Yeah, that’s me and Rick Dees. We’re old pals. He’s a really down-to-earth guy. One time he had me in the studio, and we talked about the O-Town song he was playing. And he picked up the phone, and actually called O-Town! I got to talk to them and everything. It was great. He is just a totally nice guy. I mean it. Just a super, super guy. I should call him sometime. I’d really like to get back in touch with him.

Oh, that one, that’s just a picture of my daughter.

Spider-Mensch

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:56:17 -0400

“Okay, so the woman then steps out of the limo and says to the driver…no, no. She doesn’t say...

A recurring nightmare.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:54:37 -0400

A recurring nightmare.

Triple H Secrets

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:53:00 -0400

Triple H Secrets: The only website where you can tell professional wrestler Triple H your deepest,...

HIPSTERS, a new show about being young, hip, and free, and...

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:38:00 -0400

HIPSTERS, a new show about being young, hip, and free, and hip.

These four friends living in [TBD Trendy City] are going through the trials and tribulations of urban life, and looking good while doing so. Bjorn’s a graphic designer, Ethel is a fashion designer, Bjorn #2 is a freelance artist, and Kip makes music. Did I mention they’re all really hip?

They live in a loft nicknamed “HOME?” and it’s full of strange and wonderful trinkets. They also have a wacky landlord named Ed. He’s a “normal” and doesn’t get their weird hip ways. Hopefully you will though.

Plus there’s cool music from up-and-coming independent artists including Snow Patrol, KT Tunstall, and The Fray! You guys like the Fray, right?

Hold your horses, they say “fuck.”

HIPSTERS, coming soon to YouTube or Hulu or whatever shows TV on the internet.

DA FIVE BEST WOODY ALLEN FILMS BY ANTONY BATTAGLINO AKA TONY...

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:38:00 -0400

DA FIVE BEST WOODY ALLEN FILMS

BY ANTONY BATTAGLINO AKA TONY BATTS

5. INTERIORS

MY FIRST FUKIN WOODY ALLEN FILM! WEIRD TING IS, DAT I AINT EVEN SEEN WOODY’S COMEDY FILMS BEFORE I SAW DIS ONE. LIKE, I WAS A BIG FAN OF INGMAR BERGMAN’S WORK BEFORE DAT, MOST ESPECIALLY DA 7TH SEAL. FUCKIN CLASSIC SHIT, YO. BENGT EKEROT PORTRAYING DEATH IS THE SHIT.

SO ANYWAYS, I LIKED BERGMAN, AND I HEARD DIS WAS INSPIRED BY IT, SO I’M LIKE, “IMA FUCKIN BUY IT”. AND I DID. AND IT FUKIN BLEW MY FUKIN MIND. THESE TREE SISTERS (KRISTEN GRIFFIT, MARY BET HURT AND DA ALWAYS WONDAFUL DIANE KEATIN) ARE DEALIN WIT DEIR SUICIDAL MUDDA (GERALDINE PAGE) AND DA MEN AND FAMILY AND SHIT. AFTER VIEWING IT, I WAS LIKE, ITS VISUALLY BERGMAN-ESQUE, BUT DA MATERIAL BRINGS TO MIND JOEY MANKIEWICZ.

4. ANNIE HALL

“LA-DE-DAH” FUKIN CLASSIC SHIT. WEN I SAW DIS I WAS LIKE IT ABSO-FUKIN-LUTELY DESERVED DAT OSCA. IT’S ALLEN’S BEST MIX OF HUMOR AND PATHOS, AND IT’S DA BEST EXAMPLE OF HIS, IN MY HUMBULL OPINION, BEST ONSCREEN PARTNA, DIANE KEATIN, WHO I WANNA FUK TIL HER PUSSY’S BLUE.

3. MATCH POINT

ALLEN’S COMEBACK SHIT. IT’S LIKE, AFTA EVERYBODY SHITS ON HIS POST-MILLENIAL RELEASES, HE SHITS OUT DIS BAR OF GOLD AND SHOVES IT UP YA MUDDA’S ASS FOR DA DISRESPECT.

IT TAKES PLACE IN LONDON, AND SCARLET JOHANNSEN FUKS JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS (JONNY RICE) IN A FIELD. SHIT GOES DOWN FROM THERE. SHE FINDS OUT DAT HE’S GOT A CHIK (EMILY MORTIMER) ALREADY AND SHE’S ALL “YOU TELL HER OR I WILL”. I’VE BEEN IN DAT SITUATION. SO JONNY RICE DECIDES TO KILL HER, AND KILLS DIS OLD LADY, AND THINGS GET A DOSTOYEVSKY UP IN DAT SHIT. GOOD SHIT.

2. BANANAS

FUNNY SHIT, YO.

1. DA PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO

ALLEN DESCRIBES DIS FILM AS HIS FAVORITE. IT’S MINE, TOO. BASICALLY THIS BROAD (MIA FARROW) LOVES GOIN TO THE MOVIES AND SHE SEES DIS ONE ABOUT DIS GUY, Y’KNOW. SO SHE’S ALL HORNY FOR HIM AND HE STEPS OFF DA SCREEN. IT’S LIKE A ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE SET IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION, AND IT’S A MEDITATION ON THE VIEWER’S ABILITY TO COMPLETELY IMMERSE DEMSELVES INTO DA WORLD OF CINEMER.

PLUS IT’S IN DA DIRTY JERZ, REPRESENT. DEY EAT AT DA RARITAN DINER IN SOUTH AMBOY, BEST MUDDAFUKIN DISCO FRIES IN NJ.

Butter You can put it on muffins you can put it on toast,When...

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:11:00 -0400

Butter

You can put it on muffins you can put it on toast,
When comparing all the spreads, I like butter the most,

It’s good on eggs and it’s good on steaks,
Add a bit of butter and a better meal it makes,

When you’re making omelets, put some butter on the pan,
Put some butter on your skin when you want a better tan,

Leave it in the fridge or the butter will get bitter,
You will get bellyaches or you will wind up in the shitter,

Jeez louise! Are you using cream cheese?
Put some butter on that bagel and it’s sure to please,

At Thanksgiving, my family commited a sin,
They used margarine, to my chagrin,

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is a waste of time,
Stick with the real thing, and you’ll be fine,

I didn’t put that salty garbage near my face,
I keep butter in my pocket, just in case,

If you have a lot of butter, here’s a couple of tricks,
Butter on the slip n’ slide won’t make you stick,

When you’re eatin’ chips, use butter as a dip,
Put some butter on your lips, use it as ChapStick,

Even eating butter raw is a whoe lot of fun,
Take it with you when you’re jogging, it’s great on the run,

Back in the old days, butter had to be churned,
It might have been a bit of work, but the butter was earned,

Bip bop bupper, skittley-a bop-a dutter,
It sure is fun to scat about butter,

In sticky situations butter works sort of like mace,
I threw extremely hot butter on my ex-wife’s face,

You see our relationship got to this real weird place,
I wanted to propose, and she wanted more space,

Then she went back to to school and things got weird,
She was e-mailing back and forth with this guy with a beard,

I found out they had met a few times for coffee,
He said, “dump the butter bastard, and get with me,”

So I got extremely jealous, I told her about the emails,
Our fight got out of hand, I was taken to jail,

I’m sorry, I know, I went on a bit of a tangent,
It’s been rough lately, I hope that you understand it,

I hope you liked this poem, hope it wasn’t a bore,
It’s just—butter is the only thing that gives me joy anymore.

- Guy “Butterguy” Freemore

Chong’s Potential Titles For New Cheech & Chong...

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:02:00 -0400

Chong’s Potential Titles For New Cheech & Chong Tour

by Tommy Chong (transcribed by Tommy Chong’s intern, Matt)

Hey man, this is gonna be good. Y’see, me and Cheech—the band’s back together! We don’t play music though (incoherent mumbling)

So I’m just gonna run through some ideas for the new show, and tour and uh, and stuff and you tell us what’cha think, okay? Okay. Here goes.

1.) Up In Smoke All Over Again

Pros: This One makes people think of the first Up In Smoke and how great it was n’ stuff. Plus, it’s a play on words about weed. (long pause) Pun?

Cons: I’m not gonna lie or whatever, okay. We’re old. Not too old to party but too old to be talkin’ bout “up in smoke” when we could (incoherent) ashes (incoherent) dies first I’m lightin’ up his ashes n’ smokin’ it, man!

2) Light Up The Road

Pros: Y’know how you light up a doobie? Well, it’s like that but instead on the road. Plus “light up the road” sounds cool, too, man. You ever see (long pause) what’s the one with the, uh, Biff? Yeah, Back to the Future!

Cons: What if like, the Back to the Future people have a problem with it, huh? Or, like, what if they com n’ they want to see us go back in time n’ stuff? W haven’t written…wrote? Uh, we didn’t write any time travel jokes, man!

3) Light Up America

Pros: Okay, it still sounds cool, plus it’s got America in it, man! People love that stuff. Patriots?

Cons: What if like, President Clinton thinks that we’re like, threatening to light America on fire? Like, we’re drivin on our bus, right? And uh, we stop to take a whizz in the woods, right? And then we like, set the woods on fire? People would hate us, man!

4.) Grumpy Old Stoners

Pros: I dunno, I guess there was this movie called “Grumpy Old Bastards” or something, and it was like a (laughing) a box office smash, man! So, like it might have, uh, a (long pause) ripple effect?

Cons: Like, I don’t know, man? It’s got “stoners” in there, but I’m a pretty jovial guy, y’know? Whatever pays the pot, man! Write that down, Matt, “whatever pays the pot,” it’s a good slogan. Oh man!? You’re writing all this already!? That’s great!

So, send this to uh, Cheech? And ask him what’s up n’ stuff? Get his opinions on the matter. Tell him to grow back his moustache (laughing) no, seriously.