DA FIVE BEST WOODY ALLEN FILMS BY ANTONY BATTAGLINO AKA TONY BATTS 5. INTERIORS MY FIRST FUKIN WOODY ALLEN FILM! WEIRD TING IS, DAT I AINT EVEN SEEN WOODY’S COMEDY FILMS BEFORE I SAW DIS ONE. LIKE, I WAS A BIG FAN OF INGMAR BERGMAN’S WORK BEFORE DAT, MOST ESPECIALLY DA 7TH SEAL. FUCKIN CLASSIC SHIT, YO. BENGT EKEROT PORTRAYING DEATH IS THE SHIT. SO ANYWAYS, I LIKED BERGMAN, AND I HEARD DIS WAS INSPIRED BY IT, SO I’M LIKE, “IMA FUCKIN BUY IT”. AND I DID. AND IT FUKIN BLEW MY FUKIN MIND. THESE TREE SISTERS (KRISTEN GRIFFIT, MARY BET HURT AND DA ALWAYS WONDAFUL DIANE KEATIN) ARE DEALIN WIT DEIR SUICIDAL MUDDA (GERALDINE PAGE) AND DA MEN AND FAMILY AND SHIT. AFTER VIEWING IT, I WAS LIKE, ITS VISUALLY BERGMAN-ESQUE, BUT DA MATERIAL BRINGS TO MIND JOEY MANKIEWICZ. 4. ANNIE HALL “LA-DE-DAH” FUKIN CLASSIC SHIT. WEN I SAW DIS I WAS LIKE IT ABSO-FUKIN-LUTELY DESERVED DAT OSCA. IT’S ALLEN’S BEST MIX OF HUMOR AND PATHOS, AND IT’S DA BEST EXAMPLE OF HIS, IN MY HUMBULL OPINION, BEST ONSCREEN PARTNA, DIANE KEATIN, WHO I WANNA FUK TIL HER PUSSY’S BLUE. 3. MATCH POINT ALLEN’S COMEBACK SHIT. IT’S LIKE, AFTA EVERYBODY SHITS ON HIS POST-MILLENIAL RELEASES, HE SHITS OUT DIS BAR OF GOLD AND SHOVES IT UP YA MUDDA’S ASS FOR DA DISRESPECT. IT TAKES PLACE IN LONDON, AND SCARLET JOHANNSEN FUKS JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS (JONNY RICE) IN A FIELD. SHIT GOES DOWN FROM THERE. SHE FINDS OUT DAT HE’S GOT A CHIK (EMILY MORTIMER) ALREADY AND SHE’S ALL “YOU TELL HER OR I WILL”. I’VE BEEN IN DAT SITUATION. SO JONNY RICE DECIDES TO KILL HER, AND KILLS DIS OLD LADY, AND THINGS GET A DOSTOYEVSKY UP IN DAT SHIT. GOOD SHIT. 2. BANANAS FUNNY SHIT, YO. 1. DA PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO ALLEN DESCRIBES DIS FILM AS HIS FAVORITE. IT’S MINE, TOO. BASICALLY THIS BROAD (MIA FARROW) LOVES GOIN TO THE MOVIES AND SHE SEES DIS ONE ABOUT DIS GUY, Y’KNOW. SO SHE’S ALL HORNY FOR HIM AND HE STEPS OFF DA SCREEN. IT’S LIKE A ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE SET IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION, AND IT’S A MEDITATION ON THE VIEWER’S ABILITY TO COMPLETELY IMMERSE DEMSELVES INTO DA WORLD OF CINEMER. PLUS IT’S IN DA DIRTY JERZ, REPRESENT. DEY EAT AT DA RARITAN DINER IN SOUTH AMBOY, BEST MUDDAFUKIN DISCO FRIES IN NJ.

DA FIVE BEST WOODY ALLEN FILMS

BY ANTONY BATTAGLINO AKA TONY BATTS

5. INTERIORS

MY FIRST FUKIN WOODY ALLEN FILM! WEIRD TING IS, DAT I AINT EVEN SEEN WOODY’S COMEDY FILMS BEFORE I SAW DIS ONE. LIKE, I WAS A BIG FAN OF INGMAR BERGMAN’S WORK BEFORE DAT, MOST ESPECIALLY DA 7TH SEAL. FUCKIN CLASSIC SHIT, YO. BENGT EKEROT PORTRAYING DEATH IS THE SHIT.

SO ANYWAYS, I LIKED BERGMAN, AND I HEARD DIS WAS INSPIRED BY IT, SO I’M LIKE, “IMA FUCKIN BUY IT”. AND I DID. AND IT FUKIN BLEW MY FUKIN MIND. THESE TREE SISTERS (KRISTEN GRIFFIT, MARY BET HURT AND DA ALWAYS WONDAFUL DIANE KEATIN) ARE DEALIN WIT DEIR SUICIDAL MUDDA (GERALDINE PAGE) AND DA MEN AND FAMILY AND SHIT. AFTER VIEWING IT, I WAS LIKE, ITS VISUALLY BERGMAN-ESQUE, BUT DA MATERIAL BRINGS TO MIND JOEY MANKIEWICZ.

4. ANNIE HALL

“LA-DE-DAH” FUKIN CLASSIC SHIT. WEN I SAW DIS I WAS LIKE IT ABSO-FUKIN-LUTELY DESERVED DAT OSCA. IT’S ALLEN’S BEST MIX OF HUMOR AND PATHOS, AND IT’S DA BEST EXAMPLE OF HIS, IN MY HUMBULL OPINION, BEST ONSCREEN PARTNA, DIANE KEATIN, WHO I WANNA FUK TIL HER PUSSY’S BLUE.

3. MATCH POINT

ALLEN’S COMEBACK SHIT. IT’S LIKE, AFTA EVERYBODY SHITS ON HIS POST-MILLENIAL RELEASES, HE SHITS OUT DIS BAR OF GOLD AND SHOVES IT UP YA MUDDA’S ASS FOR DA DISRESPECT.

IT TAKES PLACE IN LONDON, AND SCARLET JOHANNSEN FUKS JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS (JONNY RICE) IN A FIELD. SHIT GOES DOWN FROM THERE. SHE FINDS OUT DAT HE’S GOT A CHIK (EMILY MORTIMER) ALREADY AND SHE’S ALL “YOU TELL HER OR I WILL”. I’VE BEEN IN DAT SITUATION. SO JONNY RICE DECIDES TO KILL HER, AND KILLS DIS OLD LADY, AND THINGS GET A DOSTOYEVSKY UP IN DAT SHIT. GOOD SHIT.

2. BANANAS

FUNNY SHIT, YO.

1. DA PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO

ALLEN DESCRIBES DIS FILM AS HIS FAVORITE. IT’S MINE, TOO. BASICALLY THIS BROAD (MIA FARROW) LOVES GOIN TO THE MOVIES AND SHE SEES DIS ONE ABOUT DIS GUY, Y’KNOW. SO SHE’S ALL HORNY FOR HIM AND HE STEPS OFF DA SCREEN. IT’S LIKE A ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE SET IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION, AND IT’S A MEDITATION ON THE VIEWER’S ABILITY TO COMPLETELY IMMERSE DEMSELVES INTO DA WORLD OF CINEMER.

PLUS IT’S IN DA DIRTY JERZ, REPRESENT. DEY EAT AT DA RARITAN DINER IN SOUTH AMBOY, BEST MUDDAFUKIN DISCO FRIES IN NJ.