Butter
You can put it on muffins you can put it on toast,
When comparing all the spreads, I like butter the most,
It’s good on eggs and it’s good on steaks,
Add a bit of butter and a better meal it makes,
When you’re making omelets, put some butter on the pan,
Put some butter on your skin when you want a better tan,
Leave it in the fridge or the butter will get bitter,
You will get bellyaches or you will wind up in the shitter,
Jeez louise! Are you using cream cheese?
Put some butter on that bagel and it’s sure to please,
At Thanksgiving, my family commited a sin,
They used margarine, to my chagrin,
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is a waste of time,
Stick with the real thing, and you’ll be fine,
I didn’t put that salty garbage near my face,
I keep butter in my pocket, just in case,
If you have a lot of butter, here’s a couple of tricks,
Butter on the slip n’ slide won’t make you stick,
When you’re eatin’ chips, use butter as a dip,
Put some butter on your lips, use it as ChapStick,
Even eating butter raw is a whoe lot of fun,
Take it with you when you’re jogging, it’s great on the run,
Back in the old days, butter had to be churned,
It might have been a bit of work, but the butter was earned,
Bip bop bupper, skittley-a bop-a dutter,
It sure is fun to scat about butter,
In sticky situations butter works sort of like mace,
I threw extremely hot butter on my ex-wife’s face,
You see our relationship got to this real weird place,
I wanted to propose, and she wanted more space,
Then she went back to to school and things got weird,
She was e-mailing back and forth with this guy with a beard,
I found out they had met a few times for coffee,
He said, “dump the butter bastard, and get with me,”
So I got extremely jealous, I told her about the emails,
Our fight got out of hand, I was taken to jail,
I’m sorry, I know, I went on a bit of a tangent,
It’s been rough lately, I hope that you understand it,
I hope you liked this poem, hope it wasn’t a bore,
It’s just—butter is the only thing that gives me joy anymore.
- Guy “Butterguy” Freemore