Imagine this boy laughing as he holds a group of people hostage at gunpoint.
Imagine this boy doing an elaborate fire dance for tourists.
Imagine this boy throwing a fit because his parents bought him the “wrong kind of Lunchables!”
Imagine this boy delivering a speech to his class, and being really, really freaked out.
Imagine this boy totally missing a jumping high five.
Imagine this kid doing a quantum leap, ending up in the body of a black civil rights activist in the 1960’s.
Imagine this kid eating a really big sandwich.
Imagine this boy acting out the stations of the cross in the middle of a crowded shopping mall.
Imagine this boy surrounded by ninjas in a dark alley, raising his eyebrow, and giving a little “bring it” gesture with his hands.
Posted 2 days ago on August 5 2008
They say you can’t teach an old magician new tricks. You know what I say to them? ALAKAZAAM!
(Doves fly out of a burst of smoke.)
Doves. Hello, my friends, my name is Bailey Jones, and I am the number one magician in this area, and I have the awards and newspaper articles to prove it. But why prove it the conventional way when I can—ALAKAZAAM!
(Doves fly out of a burst of smoke.)
Now, when I was a young…boy, I had a great interest in the unexplained. I wanted to understand magic, and have that power at my disposal. Well, after several years of study, I managed—ALAKAZAAM!
(Doves fly out of a burst of smoke.)
For my next trick I will need a participant from the audience.
(A young woman steps onto the stage.)
Now, we have never met, have we?
(She begins to speak)
ALAKAZAAM!
(Doves fly out of a burst of smoke.)
Thank you very much. You may have a seat.
(Woman sits down, confused.)
Growing up my idol was the famous Harry Houdini. Arguably his most famous trick of all time was being tied up—ALAKAZAAM!
(Doves fly out of a burst of smoke.)
In a container filled with water while locked in stocks. It was known as the Chinese Water Torture Cell. Since them it has been made famous by such world famous magicians as Doug Henning and (pause) David Copperfield. ASSISTANT! BRING ME! THE CHINESE! WATER! TORTURE! (pause) CELL!
(Magician walks off of stage and drags out his Chinese Water Torture Cell, which is not filled with water.)
Excuse me as I let the fill this with (pause) WATER!
(About fifteen minutes go by while the magician half-fills the chamber with water, carried onstage in paint buckets.)
Okay, now I am prepared to do the trick that killed Houdini! Yes! I said KILLED HOUDINI!
(Magician awkwardly locks himself in ankle and hand cuffs, awkwardly wiggles up a ladder, and awkwardly falls into the half-filled water chamber.)
(Garbled) ALAKAZAAM! ALAKAZAAM! ALAKAZAAM!
(The tank slowly becomes filled with birds, which quickly drown in the water. Once he is finished, he pulls a key from his pocket and unlocks his chains, while popping out of the water to catch his breath every ten seconds. He drags himself out of the tank.)
(Exhausted) Alakazaam.
(A deat, wet bird falls from the inside of his sleeve.)
Posted 5 days ago on August 2 2008
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: Heyyyy! Ayup, dadup, daadadadada, ayup, dadup, dadaaaaadup! Ayup, dadup, daadadadada, POP! Goes da weezel!
Hey, dere ladies and gents my name is… uhhh.
Whaddaya wanna hear Polly?
Random Girl: Are you talking to me?
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: 1! 2! 3! 4! Over derrre! Over derrre! Spread the word! Spread the word over derrre! The yanks are comin’! Da yanks! Comin! Da drums trumm-trummin everywherrrre! (falls asleep)
Random Guy: Hey, you think he’s okay?
Random Girl: I don’t care. He gives me the creeps. I want to get out of here.
Random Guy: What if he’s dead—
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: H! A! Double L! I! H-E-N spells Harrigan’s!
Random Kid: No it doesn’t.
Random Kid’s Mother: Don’t talk to the crazy man.
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: I’m not crazy! I’ll prove it!
(Tommy activates the dancing statues surrounding his Casio. A bizarre mix of a jazz version of “Jingle Bells” and Christina Aguilera’s “Genie in a Bottle” plays with random bugle noises mixed in.)
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: The summa wind! Keeps blowin’ in! From acroosssssss the sea! (falls asleep)
Random Guy: Hey…um…I…uh…I have a request?
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: (waking up) Y-you do?
Random Guy: Yeah, uh. Can you play “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” for me? I’m headed to a Mets game.
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: Um. Yeah. Lemme find da sheet music. (Shuffles several napkins, take-out menus and torn pieces of cardboard.)
Random Guy: It’s okay if you don’t—
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: (screaming) GIVE ME A SECOND! I’M A FREAKIN’ MUSICIAN, NOT DEWEY DECIMAL!
(“Alienman” grabs an old newspaper and carefully tears out a page from the classifieds, pretending that it’s sheet music.)
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take. Take.
Random Guy: Me out to the ball—
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: GOD DAMN, YOU! I AM AN ARTIST!
(“Alienman” angrily activates his dancing statues.)
Random Guy: Look, I’m sorry.
(Hands him a few dollars)
Random Guy: I apologize if I insulted you.
Tommy ”Alienman” Piscotelli: Nah, it’s okay. I didn’t even know dat song anyways. Funny thing is, (falls asleep)
Posted 6 days ago on August 1 2008
We Are The Seahorses “Dingo”
Edited by me, and featuring the stars of the 1991 Royal Rumble Match.
Posted: 6 days ago on August 1 2008
No sir, I’m not nervous. But heck, I got a good reas’n to be.
See, today is Pa’s weddin’, and I’ve got an import’nt job. I’m the ring bear’. And if I screw up, I’ma gonna ruin the whole weddin’, see. Pa told me, “Randy, this is an importn’t job, and if you fug it up, I swear to Jesus, I will make you sleep face first in cow browns.”
I don’t wanna sleep in no cow browns.
First off, I gotta make sure that I got ma ring pill’w. Then, I gotta make sure I got the rings. Then, I cain’t trip or sneeze or nuthin’. Lastly, I gotta maike sure Mee Maw ain’t too hot or she’ll die and haunt me like Pa said.
And the whole time, I gotta behaive, too. If I start makin’ a fuss, the devil’s gonna shove his hand through the dirt and grab me and pull me into Heck!
Oh no! I got hot dog ketchup on ma vest! Pa’s gonna kill me! He told me that I cain’t ruin this day for Harley, or she’ll be the meanest ol’ stepma I ever haid! And I’ve haid ma fair share of mean stepma’s.
Well, nice talkin’ to ya and all, but I gotta go practice ma cotilli’n for the party. I gotta impress Harley’s family, because they think we’re “blue collar bumblefugs.”
I ain’t no bumblefug.
Posted 1 week ago on July 31 2008
Heheheheheheheeeeee!
Heeeheeehahahahaheee!
Hohohe! Oh hee! Heeeehe!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!
Heneenneeneeeeeeeeeeee!
Neeheed! Neeheed! Heee!
Hohehohe! Hee, hee, hee!
Heeheeheeehahahahahaa!
Hooo! Hooo! Hooo! Hoooo!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Har! Har! Har! Heeeheheheharr!
Hargh! HARGH! HARGHHHHUHH!
Harghuuuhhhhheheheheheheheah!
Hehehehahahahahahahahahahaha!
Hahaha! Haha! Ha…ha…ooh…ooh.
…
Heh. Ooh.
Hehe, heheahahahahahah!
Hahahahah! Hahhahahahaha!
Hehehehehehehehehehehhe!
Hehehohohohohohohahahaha!
Heee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Haa! Haha!
Hooohahahahhahehehehehehehe!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(fart)
WAAAHHHHHEHEHEHHEHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!
Posted 1 week ago on July 30 2008
“Scrotum Armageddon”
by The Hot Broads
You just don’t treat me right,
We argue all the time,
You’re always playin’ games,
Your penis is your brain,
Since you’re all ‘bout yourself,
I’m seein’ someone else,
Don’t go lookin’ for a fight,
‘Cause she’s the jealous type,
Black hair and yellow fangs,
She got horns above her bangs,
She’s got a big long tail,
She’s a zero on the pH scale,
She’s got a pointy tongue,
And a case of coal miner’s lung,
The she-devil is her name,
And I love playin’ her games,
The she-devil, the she-devil,
Scrotum Armageddon, 666,
The she-devil, the she-devil,
Nail your dick to a crucifix,
While you watch NFL,
She’s reigning over hell,
When you watch football games,
We’re playin’ in the flames,
You just don’t exercise,
She can’t be exorcised,
You offer nothin’ much,
And she’s hot to the touch (come on!),
Fishnets!
Nose rings!
Big breasts!
Bat wings!
Skull tattoos!
Eye-linah!
Leather shoes!
Vagina!
The she-devil, the she-devil,
Scrotum Armageddon, 666,
The she-devil, the she-devil,
Nail your dick to a crucifix,
The she-devil, the she-devil,
Scrotum Armageddon, 666,
The she-devil, the she-devil,
Nail your dick to a crucifix,
(I hope you fucking burn in… HELLLLL!)
Posted 3 weeks ago on July 17 2008
Hey babe, look! It’s that guy from The Cure!
They did that song that 311 covered, you know “How ever far you stray, I will always love you. Badabeebeebeebeebeebeebeebee bowwoww!” Oh, he heard us! Hey!
Hey!
Hey! You’re the dude from The Cure, huh?
So, you’re playin’ a show here tonight, huh?
Yeah, I know how that is, I play a little guitar myself. We should hang out sometime and jam for a while…
Well, whatever. So what brings you around here?
Oh, duh. My ‘B. Say, we were just talking about that 311 song you did, that was great.
Oh yeah, of course. I just know the 311 version so much better.
Oh, no problem! I know how it is, when you’re a rockstar (points to energy drink in hand) everybody wants a piece of you. Can I bother you real quick for a picture, though?
Sweet.
Excuse me! Hey, you! Can you snap a quick picture of me & Robert Plant real quick?
Sweet. Get in here, babe.
Sweet. Alright bro, thanks. Here’s my card if you wanna jam together or whatever. Peace.
Wow, you never know who you’ll run into around here. First Artie Lange now this guy. What a piece of work that guy is.
Oh yeah, probably. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Why? Was he checking me out or something?
Posted 3 weeks ago on July 16 2008
…so he’s all like, “You can’t talk to me that way, I’m Brian Setzer!” And I’m all like, “That doesn’t mean S-H-I-T to me, pal!” You’ll have to search high and low to find somebody that boogies on the upright as well as I do!” Then, I flicked my cocktail umbrella at his face, grabbed my wife, and left. I wasn’t gonna let some bleach blond rockabilly reject tell me how to live my life.
Sure, I was ridin’ high on the glitz and glamour of playing in one of the world’s most successful swing/jump blues orchestras, but sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe in.
I’ll always have fond memories of my time with the band. Before my wife was “Mrs. Mike Nye” she was “Mrs. Claus” during the holiday season, sittin’ on Santa’s ‘57 Chevrolet, in a sexy little red dress…
Posted: 3 weeks ago on July 16 2008
Posted 1 month ago on June 21 2008
It seems like I have wandered into a danger zone. It’s a situation I’m familiar with…
I’m Batman.
Why so serious? You two look like you need a break.
Nice shovel. You better watch where you point that thing.
I noticed you have an amplifier over there. I hope I didn’t interrupt any rocking. In fact, I wouldn’t mind rocking…with you two.
Oh man, I’m so hot. As much as I’d like to take off this rubber, I don’t want to risk anything. Of course, I’m referring to my mask.
Speaking of the heat, you two look like you’re getting pretty sweaty. Luckily I’m not the only one getting wet.
And those hats aren’t the only things that are “hard.”
And the ears on my mask aren’t the only things pointing up. And I’m not talking about my Batterang…well, not literally, at least.
Speaking of what’s near my belt, did I mention this grappling hook swings both ways? It’s too bad, though. It’s been a while since I’ve seen any action.
That “boy wonder” has been off on a special mission: Operation Pussy Patrol. Of course I’m talking about catching the Catwoman. Once I bring that kitty-cat back to my batcave, me & Robin will really get to the bottom of things. One after the other. Then we’ll have a private meeting with each other.
In the meantime, I’ve been on the prowl.
Luckily I stumbled into you two. Why don’t we go back to the batcave and—oh it’s the comissioner. He always want something from me. I usually meet him up on the rooftop, and give him what he wants, then I’m gone before he gets a chance to thank me.
Well, mabye we’ll meet again. Mabye in a dark alley.
Posted 1 month ago on June 15 2008
What? I was home schooled. I came out alright.
I mean seriously, when you guys were getting a public school education, you had to deal with bullies…and the occasional school shooting.
Me? There were no bullies in sight. Just me, Mother, and a world of knowledge waiting to be explored. And the only shooting that was going on was from me, SHOOTING FOR THE STARS.
And while you were eating all of that lousy cafeteria food, I was getting a home-cooked meal every day. And in my school, Thursdays always meant poutine!
And while you were getting beat up playing dodgeball, I was focusing my mind on three subjects: tap, tap and TAP! Did dodgeball get you on Steve Harvey’s Big Time? I think not.
So you guys can go on thinking that home-schooling is for losers. I’ll be here beading Mother a friendship bracelet.
Posted: 1 month ago on June 15 2008
(A woman is sitting in a Paris restaurant, waiting for her family to arrive. A man walking by notices she has a picture of her cat on her Blackberry. This man sits next to her.)
Bonjour! Je suis un homme de carnaval de la France! J’ai apporté des cadeaux dans les espoirs que vous pourriez me fournir une maison depuis un mois! Je suis doué dans beaucoup d’arts!
Je peux manger des chats! Je peux manger votre chat à cet endroit! Est-ce que votre chat est un embêtement ? Venez ici, le chat de chaton!
J’ai d’autres adresses aussi! Je peux manger des chiots! Votre chien ? Est-ce qu’il est le fait de tracasser ? Mâche-t-il vos chaussures et pipi partout ? Je peux le manger, aussi! Il peut être grand, mais j’ai mangé plus grand!
Pourquoi me montrez-vous ? Provoque-je le problème ? Je peux faire des travaux de routine autour de la maison! Laissez-moi la paix juste dans votre maison, tout le jour et je peux nettoyer tout! Je me débarrasserai même de ces insectes nuisibles, votre chat et chien! Venez ici, le chiot! Je vais vous manger!
(The kids enter the restaurant, with the father behind them. The old man stands to allow everyone else to sit.)
Est cela le son du rire d’un enfant! Ha! Sortez-les ici! Le travail de ma vie a diverti des enfants! J’ai un costume de chat dans ma corbeille! Prêtez-moi juste un oiseau et je peux leur montrer une action vivante Sylvester et la bande dessinée Tweety!
(The woman looks disturbed and her husband politely asks him to leave her and her family alone.)
Attendez oh, il n’y a aucun besoin d’appeler n’importe quelles autorités, Mlle. J’ai juste voulu demander à une faveur, parce que je suis un clown voyageant. Mais, je vois que je vous ai fait peur et ne veux pas ne vous effrayer plus. Si je pourrais juste demander une faveur, avant que je pars ?
Pourrais-je manger votre chat ?
(The woman replies, “No!”)
Ok, nevermind alors. Mais je dois vous avertir que je suis un ancien violeur. Seulement animaux, cependant. Aucuns soucis.
Posted 1 month ago on June 9 2008
Posted 2 months ago on June 7 2008
(principal steps up to the podium)
“Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2008…get…annual physicals”
(assorted sighs and murmurs)
“If I can offer you only one tip for the future, annual physicals would be it. The longterm benefits of just one check-up per year have been proven by doctors worldwide…”
(assorted comments, such as: “he’s doing that ‘wear sunscreen’ song from like 1998” and “he does this stupid thing every year” among them)
“For as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…”
(more assorted comments like “he’s going to put on that Moby song next”)
“I will dispense this advice…”
(motions towards vice principal, who presses play on the cd player)
“NOW.”
(“Porcelain” by Moby begins playing)
“Cherish the time you have when you’re young. Because when you’re old, you’ll long to have that time back.”
“In 20 years, you will spend nights longing for the days when you cried yourself to sleep because at least then you felt something.”
“In the end, it won’t matter how stylish you dressed, because it will all go out of style someday…mabye.”
“Don’t make friends. If someone is not related to you by blood, they are predisposed to stab you in the back sooner or later. This goes double for members of the opposite sex.”
(a few audience members whisper to one another)
“Don’t rely on the kindness of strangers, either. When you live in a city, you’re surrounded by people with pent up aggression all of the time, and everyone around you is on the verge of snapping. When you’re in the country, everyone is left to their own thoughts, and you’re more likely to end up a victim of sadism.”
(several people in the audience glance at the person next to them)
“Every day, do at least one good deed. Then, do one bad one to balance things out.”
“Shave.”
“Never date anyone for more than two years. After two years, a relationship becomes so entangled with lies and deceit, that it’s hard to establish reality once it inevitably ends.”
(one student laughs, incorrectly assuming he’s joking)
“Never be afraid to accept failure as your final destination. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the trouble of giving it your best.”
“Remember insults you recieve. Whether they’re overt or thinly veiled, they all count. Every single one of them. Then, when it’s time to deliver ‘payback’ you’ll be prepared.”
(a few audience members seem disturbed)
“Smoke.”
“Engage in at least one homosexual act, just to see how it feels. Remember: just because something is not verbally consensual, it doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t want it.”
(audible gasps)
“Dye your hair. Unless you’re wealthy, a head of grey hair means nothing in this day and age. And once it’s grey, people will mock you if you attempt to dye it back.”
“Mabye you’ll marry, mabye you won’t.”
“Mabye you’ll have children, mabye you won’t.”
“Mabye your trampy wife will lie in a court of law, and end up taking all of your money, in a divorce you didn’t even want in the first place.”
(a couple stands up and leaves)
“Experiment with mind-altering drugs. There are enough drug addicts out there to prove that it won’t immediately kill you.”
“Don’t be afraid of the things you see while hallucinating. Remember no matter how bad you think it is, nothing can look bad when campared to the cold hard reality we live in.”
“Whatever you do, don’t become addicted to crystal meth. It’s not even a high-status drug.”
(instrumental break, various conversations begin questioning the sanity of the school’s principal)
“Live in New York City one, but leave before you’re kicked out of your apartment due to increases in rent, and end up homeless and alone.”
“Live in California once, but leave before you get permanent lung damage or even worse, skin cancer.”
“Drink.”
(more people walk out)
“Accept certain unalienable truths: you’re never going to succeed, there is no afterlife, and love was created by struggling poets and charlatans to distract ancient societies from the terrible lives they were living.”
(principal begins pacing back and forth)
“Be careful whose advice you buy. Sometimes people are just trying to get your money, and all that talk about spaceships and a supreme being were all just lies to encourage you to ‘drink the kool-aid.’”
(principal is sweating profusely)
“But be patient with those who supply it. Like me.”
“Every day, things will get worse, until you’ve lost everything. At that point, you wont even be physically able to pull the plug yourself.”
“And trust me…on the physicals.”
(silence)