I’m really good at
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Me: James Joyce, Da Vinci Code, Catch 22, Bible
Him: Beetlejuice, Human Centipede, Star Wars, The Avengers, Wet Hot American Summer, The Artist, Life Is Beautiful
Me: The Notebook, Royal Tenenbaums, Annie Hall, Human Centipede, Hot Fuzz
Him & Me: Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development (we only have Netflix)
Him: The Kinks, Kiss, Bob Dylan, The Beatles, Neutral Milk Hotel, Pink Floyd, Phish, Grateful Dead, jazz
Me: Pulp, Blur, Oasis
Food: Don’t get us started.
The six things I could never do without
Suitcases (for travel)
On a typical Friday night I am
You should message me if
We’ll set an appointment for the date, ideally while I’m ovulating, because I’m trying to have a baby.
You will come to the house wearing something white that you don’t mind getting dirty, but is more than just a ratty old t-shirt and sweats. We’ll touch base and sign consent forms and then you’ll get into a small cage. We’ll go about our business as if you are a puppy we just adopted from the pound (actually in this scenario, you’re a monkey but at this point you could be anything, more on this later).
Me and my husband will cook a meal (TBD, but probably Mexican or Indian) and make a plate for you that you eat with just your face. After a while my husband will initiate sex with me and you’ll watch from the cage. YOU DO NOT SPEAK AT ANY POINT DURING THIS unless you need to say your safe word, which is “Lazarus.”
Next, we will free you from the cage and you attack my husband for imprisoning you. At this point you’re acting like a monkey (see Andy Serkis’ mocap performance as Caesar for inspiration). You knock him over and pound on your chest, then we will sexwrestle and you will choke me until my husband stops you. He is intimately familiar with my tolerance levels so it’s imperative you don’t stop until he tells you to.
He will stop you by hitting you in the head with a souvenir shillelagh we got in Kilkenny. You will play dead while he gets in a “zone” (he will be very believable because he has been taking the classes). My husband will pull out something to chop you up with, but then he will decide to have sex with your “corpse” while I lay motionless. He’ll start with some light goreplay, but you don’t move or make any noises (except maybe a “coo” here and there).
Then, my husband will initiate a scene where you’re suddenly an angel. It’s not scripted so you can play around with improvisation. Remember the first rule is to say “yes and” to anything he says. My husband will zip zap zop you until your first orgasm. Then you put on the wings.
You will Roma Downey me, which brings me back to life. I will tie you down in a chair and my husband will oral you. I kiss my husband after this and then we all romantically kiss while rubbing a numbing agent on each others’ butts and faces. Warning: the numbing agent smells like sulfur.
At this point you can drop the monkey act, because you will need the precision of a human to strap on…the apparatus.
You will insert the apparatus which is powered by kinetic energy created by you doing kegels. It will electrocute us. Be careful!
Here’s the weird part…our neighbor Jesus (“hey-zoos”) will human centipede us (safely) and leave again while we’ll have some kinky fun crawling around the house. Once we’re all too exhausted, we sit and eat and watch Netflix (Lilyhammer?) until you have to poop and, well, you know how that goes.
We will pretend to die and you drag our bodies out into the street like you’re escaping. Jesus (“hey-zoos”) will run out of his house and good samaritan us by cutting us loose from the stitches. You will be taken to a nearby hospital if need be. We will pretend like we are dead until you are out of sight.
We’re looking forward to meeting and sharing our love with you!
For more OkCupid profiles, click HERE.